Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
