you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
