Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
