Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
