dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
