Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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