Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
