There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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