I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
