I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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