I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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