somebody snuck up and got me drunk
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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