if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
