$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
