its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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