I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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