Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My life is pants optional.
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