some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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