I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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