i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
