This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
