I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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