Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
two words...techno handjob
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
