I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we're making bets on your personal life
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
