i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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