Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I supernannyed him into submission
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
