also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
