Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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