I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
