I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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