I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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