I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
