i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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