I could make wine with my vomit
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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