so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
