Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Shame is for Republicans.
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