We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
