In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
