This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
