Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
