Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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