so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
