Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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