Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
