actually, I'm a sock model
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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