I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
