I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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