I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i need some magic done to my vagina
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
