I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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