You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
